He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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