last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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