Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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