i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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