Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
