Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
