The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize