The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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