Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
