I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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