There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't deserve a penis
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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