in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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