I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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