dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
