I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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