im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
