Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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