I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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