I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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