If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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