dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
