he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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