apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
