so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize