I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
