But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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