im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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