I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
