Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
