come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
