You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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