He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize