rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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