my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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