you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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