Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
