Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize