What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
