Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
