Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
