You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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