I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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