so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
