theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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