The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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