alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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