i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
