You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
