Kiss
Puke
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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