every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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