im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We're too hungover to prance.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
