remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize