just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize