She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
