shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
