I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
