he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
