well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
