Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
