Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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