My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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