Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
