You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Congratulations! We have a period
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