Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
