Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
