I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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