Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
