Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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