but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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