So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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