Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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