i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
