He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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