If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
