dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
