I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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